


Garrison vs. Trump

by StupidStory



Category: South Park
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27199274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StupidStory/pseuds/StupidStory
Summary: While president Garrison is debating Biden, the real Trump shows up and runs against Garrison.
Kudos: 1





	Garrison vs. Trump

Various ppl of South Park were watching the presidential debate between Mr. Garrison and Joe Biden on television.  
“The topic is how we're going to handle the COVID-19 pandemic,” the debate moderator announced. “3...2...1... GO!”  
Biden literally looked like the Crypt Keeper. He was probably at least 700 years old. “My name is Justin Beiber and I'm running for Boston marathon.”  
“No dumbass, you're running for U.S. President! And your name is Joe Biden, not Justin Bieber!” Garrison corrected.  
“Am I? Oh snap, I better secure my name on the ballot!”  
Garrison face-palmed. “You're already on the ballot!”  
“Well, you're a big stupid doofus penis breath,” Biden shouted.  
“No u,” Garrison retorted.  
“No u,” Biden retorted. The majority of the rest of the debate was literally just the two of them going back and forth saying “No u” to each other.  
“My plan for COVID-19 is, I wanna prolong the COVID-19 pandemic as long as possible so it wipes out you know the thing,” Biden said. “Anyone who's not you know the thing will be required to glue their eyes, nose, and mouth shut so the virus can't get in, and then they'll still have to wear masks anyway until we find a vaccine for death itself.” Biden blurted out, then blurted out a quick “no u” to Mr. Garrison and the cycle of “no u's” continued.  
Meanwhile...  
“Who does that Garrison guy think he is, stealing my signature hairstyle?” Donald Trump said (not Mr. Garrison, the actual Donald Trump). “He's using the pandemic to wipe out all the Mexicans? I WAS GONNA DO THAT! Ummm, is it too late to run for president?” Trump asked some off-screen person.  
“Considering it's a few weeks before November, very much so.”  
“America dammit!” Trump cursed, sounding exactly like Cartman.  
“I should be in there saying 'No u' to Biden! That would make me win the debate for sure”  
“Final question,” the referee announced.  
“OBJECTION!” Biden and Garrison turned their heads in surprise at a surprising figure pointing his finger at them. “Thay guy is stealing my thunder!”  
“Who the fuck are you?” Garrison demanded.  
“I'm Donald Trump, bitch! And you got some nerve impersonating me and stealing my presidency. I was gonna do all the things you're doing now!” Trump took his shirt off to reveal an orange beer belly that looked like a giant orange. “I have the most chiseled sexiest six-pack abs ever. Believe me!” Garrison took off his shirt too. His body was slimmer and leaner.   
“Stupid Twitter distracted me. 4 years later I only just remembered I was going to run for president in 2016 but then I had this bright idea to try to think of a Tweet that would immediately solve all of America's problems. I was so engrossed in trying to brainstorm just what to say that I didn't even notice that an imposter who used to be an elementary school teacher ran and actually won until I just turned on the TV and there he was, living my life.”  
And then they engaged in sissy fighting. And then it turned into punching and kicking. The debate referee pulled them apart.  
“Garrison has someone else to debate now? SWEET!” Biden jumped for joy. “Now I can go back to my basement and play my Nintendo Switch until you know the thing happens!” Biden turned to the physically fighting Garrison and Trump and shouted “Screw you guys, I'm going home!”  
“NOOOO!” Trump screamed. “That means I have to be the Democrat now!”  
He continued. “When I'm president I'm gonna continue to try to think of the one Tweet that will solve all of America's problems. I don't care about solving the world's problems, only America's. I admit I've had a lot of absolute misfires but so did Thomas Edison when he invented the, you know, the thing. Oh wait, that's Biden's catchphrase. Oh my America, the Biden virus is spreading!”   
“What is your plan to deal with COVID-19 pandemic?” The referee asked.  
“What do you mean “deal with”? I want the COVID-19 pandemic to last as long as possible until it kills the Mexicans since that will make America great again. I even burned the pangolin that Randy fucked so that a vaccine wouldn't be made,” Garrison answered.  
“Hey, I was gonna say that exact same thing verbatim!” Trump shouted.  
“What about mail-in voting?” The referee asked.  
“Mail-in voting is bad. Mmmkay?” Trump said in a Mr. Mackey impression. “I want everyone in the entire country to cram into a 6 foot by 6 foot shack to do voting in person on Election Day, and masks will not be allowed since they make people gay and gay people can't vote for me. Also the Dumbocrats want to use this to somehow invoke the New World Order, or something. If you've been brainwashed by the liberal media enough to believe that 300 million Americans can't fit inside a 6 foot by 6 foot enclosure to vote, keep in mind that a fat, elementary school kid in South Park Colorado once smuggled the entirety of Disneyland inside a jail cell. Take that, Snopes, you lying sons of bitches!”  
“You do realize that you're running as a Democrat right, since Joe has exited stage left?”  
Trump had to think for a moment about his rebuttal to that.   
“Well I'm a special Democrat,” Trump insisted. “I'm the only Democrat who isn't an evil turdburger.”  
“Speaking of voting,” Garrison shouted, “I have lowered the voting age to 2 so that more people can vote for me.”  
“Since they drastically lowered the voting age, you and the other boys are going to go vote with us,” Stan's parents reminded him. He wasn't sure how to feel about that.  
After the debate, Garrison and Trump got into a convertible and lowered the top, suddenly feeling like doing something fun together.  
“Wanna play some mailbox baseball?” Trump asked.  
“Fuck yeah!” Garrison agreed. “Bet I can hit more mailboxes than you.”  
“Don't think so.”  
They smashed mailboxes as they were driving past houses. One of the airborne mailboxes hit Kenny on the head, killing him.  
“Oh my God, THEY KILLED KENNY!” Stan said.  
“YOU BASTARDS!” Kyle shouted.  
“VOTE IN-PERSON MUTHAFUCKAS!” Garrison and Trump shouted in unison.  
When Election Day came, people were coming up to an abandoned shack in the middle of west Bumblefuck that had a sign in front that read “VOTE HERE.”  
“Looks like this is the place where we go vote.”  
No more than about 20 people could fit in the shack at one time. How was there supposed to be sufficient voter turnout?  
Cartman's phone rang. “Suck my balls Kyle,” Cartman answered without thinking.  
“This is the president, you fat bastard! I have no intention of EVER doing that. YA HEAR ME, FATSO?” Mr. Garrison's angry voice assaulted Cartman's ear. Cartman wanted to call him every obscenity ever just for that, but then remembered he has Secret Service agents, so he bit his tongue and asked what was up.  
“I need you to go around the entire country and smuggle the entire U.S. population inside your butthole to put inside the abandoned shack in the middle of west Bumblefuck. I heard about how you once smuggled the entirety of Disneyland into a prison cell. Anything that you smuggle in your butthole can be made to fit anywhere, no matter the size difference.”  
“Okay,” Cartman agreed. He put every single American inside his butthole except anyone who's ginger because Cartman hates gingers and smuggled them all into the 6 foot by 6 foot shack in west Bumblefuck so all 300 million Americans could fit.  
“This is gonna spread COVID, ya know.” Someone inside the voting venue said.  
“Nuh uh. Did you not notice the banner in front of the doorway?” The banner out front read “This is a BLM protest.”  
“Oh okay. I guess that's for the coronavirus to read. I no longer need to worry about catching it then. Thanks.”  
Meanwhile Randy was mulling over who to vote for on his ballot. There wasn't a lot of room to make sure he could fill it out without someone looking over his shoulder.  
“Hmm, Trump or Garrison? They're both almost the same but one of them's a Democrat, so Imma choose the Democrat,” Randy thought out loud, so he filled in the bubble next to Trump's name since he didn't wanna vote for a Republican. Jimbo's thought process was similar except he chose Garrison since he didn't wanna vote for a Democrat. He then turned in his ballot to be counted. The third party options were Satan, Eric Cartman, and SCP-106. Wait, Eric Cartman was actually running for president? That was a scary thought.  
“Nah, there's no possible way Cartman is going to win.,” Kyle reassured himself as he filled out his ballot, filling in the bubble next to SCP-106.  
After the polls closed most of America was glued to their TV's watching the election coverage on TV some rooting for Trump, others rooting for Garrison. They were almost neck-in-neck in electoral votes, but ultimately the outcome of this election certainly proved to be unexpected. Kyle's jaw dropped all the way down to the other side of the globe, and then his face turned beet red. "Cartman? No way!"  
“Holy shit, I'm the next U.S. President!” Cartman cheered. “I'm the first third-party president in U.S. History as well as the youngest.”  
“GOD DAMMIT!” Garrison pouted like a small child. “Guess I gotta go back to being a school teacher.”  
“AMERICA DAMMIT!” Trump pouted like a small child. “I had 4 years to come up with the perfect Tweet that would solve every one of America's problems and had I gotten elected then I'd have 4 more years to come up with such a Tweet!” Cartman gave his winning speech.  
“First item on my agenda is to milk the COVID-19 pandemic to kill the gingers, similar to how Garrison wanted to milk it to eliminate the Mexicans. If anyone dares call me fat, I'll make them eat their parents. If you think I'm being facetious about that, I've actually made someone eat their parents, so it is something I'm prepared to do on a whim. Also, you're a stupid Jew, Kyle! I look forward to signing an executive order forcing Kyle to suck my balls! These next four, hopefully eight years are gonna be sweet.”


End file.
